Secrets.....

Two more days, and I can reveal my secret (to those that dont know it yet) It will feel good to get it out, and even better that my target date arrived. This makes no sense to many, but it will in two days.

So DH asked tonight if I would mind moving to Irvine. I wouldnt. Its not that far away from here. I mean, I would hate being further away from my family, but its only 1 1/2 hours away. I think we can all survive that. If it means happiness for me and DH and our future family, Im all for it. Besides, I will be near the big mall!! Everyone wants to visit the big mall, all the more reason to come see me, right. Im not worried about it yet, but i think it made him feel better that I was receptive to change. Hey change happens.....it could be worse, we could be moving to Arizona (which is where his parent company is based out of)

I did a not nice thing Sunday, but I feel justified. I watched a lady pull into a parking spot, throw her cigarette butt out the window, then empty her ashtray onto the floor next to her car. She walked into the grocery store. I noticed she left her windows cracked, so I scooped all the butts up and threw them back into her car. Is that rude?? If it is, so is littering, so get over it. There was a trashcan on the way into the store, and thats what its for. Rude people suck. Im mean.....

More to come in two days......

Worries, worries, worries.

Neither DH or I have been sleeping well. Its too hot, too cold, to noisy, too quiet. There is never a reason to my sleeping insanity, it just is. I dont know what DH's problem is, until I asked this morning. He is unhappy at his job, he wants to put out his resume and start looking for a new one. WHAT?? Am I overreacting to think this is a terrible time for this to happen?? I mean, I hate that he isnt happy at work, and I do want for him to be at a job that fulfills him, but OMG!! One more thing for me to stress about, and thats all that consumes me right now. Should I start working more hours, and dogpile some more into my savings?? Im sicker than a dog 20 out of 24 hours in a day. I cant work any more than I already am. Or can I? Maybe I should just start sucking it up and do more. I cant stand by and have financial worries on top of the everyday worries that already consume me. UGH!! I know I am overreacting a bit, because this happened last time he wasnt happy at his job, and we made it over this hump with flying colors. He was so supportive when I wanted to quit my job, and I want to be the same for him. But the roles are drastically different here. He is the moneymaker, the provider, the one with benefits. Too many things to worry about here. But he seems so very jolly during the day. Maybe its just a phase?? The unknown scares me with a passion.

I just want to be happy. I want my hubby to be happy. I want us to be a happy, secure family, and in the back of my head I fear I wont be able to be that SAHM mom that I have wanted all my life. Worries, worries, worries......

Everything makes me sick.....

and I dont mean physically sick. I just hate how some people in this world just make me sick. I cant just look at certain people, and I feel sick inside. If only people could see what I see, they would understand.

My work had a party yesterday. It was the 12th anniversary of our opening. Each year the party gets a bit more contrived. Its just sad that you can be lacking in basic needs (backed up sink, lightbulbs burnt out, toilet seat that doesnt stay on the toilet) or you can have staff that lack motivation due to lack of appreciation at this place of business. That is easy stuff to take care of. Just a little time and effort on the part of administrative figures. But while they cant take the time to fix the existing problems, they throw themselves 150% into making this party a success. Who cares that your staff is cursing the ground you walk on, and most of us pee on the floor because the light bulb in the staff bathroom is burnt out because you cant take 5 minutes out of your day to replace it. Just make sure this party to please the clients is a huge success. Mostly because you need those donations to keep the place running. Whats the use of having the place running, if you are slowly but surely chasing away all your quality staff?? Just appreciate what you have is all I am saying....

so this party starts at 4:30. All the parents come pick up their kids early, the kids are so excited for a party, there are games, prizes, food, cake, what more can you ask for?? Not much unless you are the last kid that gets picked up for the party. Not much if you are that sad, dejected child that gets to watch the party through the fence, all the while waiting for your mom to come. Party ends at 6:30, mother walks in to pick him up at.....6:30. I have a longstanding history with said mother, so this party is just the tip of the iceberg. I curse the ground she walks on.....

Im tired now....what else is new. I need something good to renew my faith in people, because right now, I am dejected about the state of the world. There are no more manners, common sense, goodness, genuineness, all those things that make people happy. Just once, someone do something that isnt based upon selfish reasoning. Is that too much to ask?

Til next time......

Lacking motivation or just LAZY??

Man, I have never been known to be this lazy. Dont get me wrong, I am so LAZY....I will sleep til noon if given the chance, many days I dont get out of my PJ's til about an hour before Mike comes home from work, I only work 3 days a week, but I still complain about how tired I am (sssshhhhhh......we know why, but shhhh)

It doesnt help matters that my computers have been struck by a virus, and Mike has been working feverishly for a week to clean them all up. So I have had limited time online, and when I get on, I check for friend updates, and have been terrible about returning correspondence. Yep...Lazy. After about 15 or so minutes of reading, I need a nap.

I know its bad, because on a normal post-race ride home, Im sadder than sad. I hate to leave the track. I drag my feet, I make my hubby and friends roam through souvenier trailers, even if Im not buying anything. I stand in the bleachers and take random pictures, just to absorb the moment for just a second more. After this past race, I couldnt get home fast enough. I actually wanted to leave halfway through (mostly because Jeff Gordon did so crappy but also because I wanted to take a nap) I think I need some nap therapy....

So I have to go to bed now. Im sorry for those of you that come by and want something interesting to read, or the occasional amusing post. I just dont have it in me right now. I hope to have it back soon.....very soon. Im tired of me already...

and for the record. I look at my traffic feed, and I recognize most of you. But there is one visitor that is driving me nuts, mainly because I dont know who you are, and I wonder why you visit my blog. You should say hi.....

:) :) :)

Randomness and Nascar

Yep, the page is down again. Not that I have been posting much lately, I have had alot on my plate. But I still read, and catch up with my Threats. But when its down, i feel so frustrated. But I digress.....

I worked 5 days this week. FIVE days. I havent done that in over 3 months. It really took its toll on my body, my mental health, my emotional health. Im exhausted, to say the least. Working full time is for the birds, haha. I know people have to do it, and I am blessed to not have to. I was doing a good deed, and you know what, it wont happen again. It was just bad timing. Nobody's fault. Just unfortunate circumstances. Onward and upward.

I start school on Monday. Like physically having to go to school. Im taking another online course, and one class that I have on campus. I wonder if I will be the oldest person in my class. Its okay if I am, just makes me more proud of my desire to go back and get that degree. I will have one before I turn 40, mark my words.

I dont have anything really interesting to write about at this time. I mean, I do, but I choose not to talk about it right now, for a variety of reasons. In reality, Im just a tired girl, wanting alot of sleep, and maybe a massage.

But just in case you didnt know, next week, Im going racing friends!! Its my race weekend at the Auto Club Speedway (formerly the California Speedway) I will be braving 100 degree weather, for the opportunity to stalk some of my favorite people in the world (Jeff Gordon) Im a dedicated fan. Im also insane, but thats neither here, nor there. I live for this weekend. I get this sense of excitement, almost like I am high! This is my happy place, where I feel complete. All of my senses are alerted, the sights, the smells, the sounds......I cant explain it. While Nascar isnt for everyone, I invite you all to attend a race in person (tv doesnt do it justice) and maybe you can begin to understand how I feel. This week will drag on, til Friday, then the weekend will fly right by. And I will not have this feeling again until next February......sad.....

here are some examples of why my weekend will rock


Here is me and Kurt Busch. This was on his personal website. Im a celebrity!!


Here is Brian Vickers, my babies daddy, looking right at me. Yum


The great one....Jeff Gordon. Yep, I was that close to his car, with him inside.

I have a million of these.....but I wont bore you anymore......

DPO and POAS

If you dont know what that means, then you arent supposed to know. So there...:P

Tomorrow is 11dpo.....should I POAS, or not? Normally I am a waiter, last time around I waited til 16dpo......but this time...ugh....I dont wanna wait. Im confused....and torn.....tune in tomorrow.

Overly sensitive

I never considered myself an overly sensitive person. In fact my closest friends used to label me "dead inside" because I never looked like I felt any emotions. In all actuality, I feel deeply, I just hold everything in. I dont want people to know how I am feeling....if I want you to know, I will tell you. And lately (when I say lately, I mean in the last year or so) I have become so sensitive, and I get my feelings hurt easily. But I still am unable to convey these feelings. And more often than not, I overanalyze whatever it is that I am feeling sensitive about, and try to convince myself that I am overreacting to things.

Maybe I am, but what if Im not. Most days, Im looking for validation. Tell me something good. Tell me Im a good wife, sister, daughter, friend, acquaintance, teacher. Something to make me feel that I am someone of worth. I dont need it everyday, but every once in awhile would be great. Especially if you notice I am doing something out of the ordinary, or overly spectacular.

(for the record, Karen is wonderful at this. She tells me how much she misses me when Im not at work, and this does wonders for me. Her friendship is so valuable to me, some days it really makes me feel like a million bucks)

I think after my loss, I felt like quite the failure at life. I couldnt keep my baby safe, therefore, I cant do anything right. Im pretty sure this is normal (thats what my therapist says, anyway) but it doesnt make me feel any better. Im not sure what I am asking for, but I wish I could react less to things that probably dont matter in the grand scheme of things. I need to quit being a "thoughter" Maybe its just PMS, or maybe its not....PMS is a cop out, i didnt mean to use it as an excuse for having feelings. Sometimes, I liked it better when I was dead inside.....