I never considered myself an overly sensitive person. In fact my closest friends used to label me "dead inside" because I never looked like I felt any emotions. In all actuality, I feel deeply, I just hold everything in. I dont want people to know how I am feeling....if I want you to know, I will tell you. And lately (when I say lately, I mean in the last year or so) I have become so sensitive, and I get my feelings hurt easily. But I still am unable to convey these feelings. And more often than not, I overanalyze whatever it is that I am feeling sensitive about, and try to convince myself that I am overreacting to things.
Maybe I am, but what if Im not. Most days, Im looking for validation. Tell me something good. Tell me Im a good wife, sister, daughter, friend, acquaintance, teacher. Something to make me feel that I am someone of worth. I dont need it everyday, but every once in awhile would be great. Especially if you notice I am doing something out of the ordinary, or overly spectacular.
(for the record, Karen is wonderful at this. She tells me how much she misses me when Im not at work, and this does wonders for me. Her friendship is so valuable to me, some days it really makes me feel like a million bucks)
I think after my loss, I felt like quite the failure at life. I couldnt keep my baby safe, therefore, I cant do anything right. Im pretty sure this is normal (thats what my therapist says, anyway) but it doesnt make me feel any better. Im not sure what I am asking for, but I wish I could react less to things that probably dont matter in the grand scheme of things. I need to quit being a "thoughter" Maybe its just PMS, or maybe its not....PMS is a cop out, i didnt mean to use it as an excuse for having feelings. Sometimes, I liked it better when I was dead inside.....
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2 comments:
this is a really good post. really makes me know what's going on with you. thanks for sharing. i know this stuff isn't always fun to think/talk/share/open up about.
I've said many times over the past few years that I need to have something happen to "get me out of my head," so to speak. I think that's kind of like what you said about quitting being a "thoughter."
Yes, thanks for being willing to share this stuff. Maybe the more you talk about it the easier it will get (that's what I hope for me, so I hope that for you, too). And it definitely helps to know there's someone else out there who might have even an inkling of what you might be going through.
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